Tuesday, March 6, 2012

When will the fear end

Yesterday, I mentioned that on Sunday we went to iFly in Seattle for a friends birthday.  I was excited to try this out. What I didn't mention is the fear I had, not the fear of flying but the fear of being to heavy to do it.  As you walk in you read signs that say:
Those less than 6 feet tall must weigh less than 230 pounds, and those over 6 feet must weigh less than 250 pounds.
Nervousness set in. Fear set in, what if I weighed in over 230lbs, something I knew wouldn't happen as I had weighed myself that morning. But what if?! What if I was the one person of the group who couldn't go? I have always been he fat friend, the one who was bigger, the one who could give up soda and not lose a pound. While everyone else around me drops 2 sizes. I am not bitter that other people have it easy, but for me it is a lot of hard work. The fear of waking up and being my heaviest again is still there in the back of my mind. The fear of gaining all the weight back is there, so much that I even went pee before I checked in and was weighed in so that I could make sure I was the lightest I could be.  Once the checkin was complete the fun could begin. Here are a few photo's off the CD that our friends purchased of the event.

I wonder when the fear of gaining it all back will end. When will be able to walk into a place like this and not be afraid of being to heavy, or fitting in a suit. I guess that is one internal struggle I will have to deal for a while.  One day I hope to be free of it, but for now I am more aware then ever of the goal that is before me this year.


  1. AWESOME!!! Looks like so much fun, and you did a great job getting airborne! When I dropped in, a lot of people really struggled with it. Way to go!!

    OMG I hear you about questioning your size, having all those same fears. I am so much smaller than I was, but in my brain, I'm still big. It's weird.

    My daughter got a gift cert for Christmas. She's 220. I live in terror that she will be embarrassed when she goes, it is just heartbreaking.

  2. That looks like so much fun! It's so hard to drop our internal baggage at the curb, whatever it may be.

  3. how funny- we're planning to go there for a birthday too! thanks for the warning- just seeing things like that makes me break out in a cold sweat, even if the number is no where even close to my current weight.

    as to the sizing issue- I have such bad BDD that I truly have no idea how big I am, no matter how recently I've looked at a scale. I'm all the time asking Chevalier, "Am I bigger than her? Am I her size?" Just trying to understand myself. It is sooooo bizarre.

  4. That looks like a lot of fun! I am glad that you had a good time, even though you had your fears and doubts beforehand. I think we all have our secret fears. I wish I could tell you an easy way to get rid of them, but I can't. You need to feel comfortable with yourself and then you can start getting over these fears. Nobody can do it for you, so it IS a hard journey! Good luck! I wish there was a magic button we could push!

  5. i'm the fat friend too and also the one who has been without a soft drink in two weeks and has yet to lose a pound so i know what you mean :(

    that looks super fun!!

  6. OMG that looks SO much fun!! I think that it will always be a battle. When I lost alot of weight in the past, I still saw a fat girl even though my friends and peers said and saw otherwise. You are healthy! Your inner fat girl will have to get there too :)

  7. I currently couldn't do it - but I'm working hard so that I don't have to be that one girl who can't do it. I've heard your fears repeated by all of my friends who have lost big weight - I think it's normal and perhaps even a little hmm, what's the word I'm looking for - oh shoot - maybe that fear is the thing that will keep us on the right path and not allow us to get too far off track???

    It does look fun . . . and I haven't told you yet, but in 2013 - I'm coming to Seattle - hoping to meet you and do a race together and NOW, I want to do iFLY :)