Friday, December 16, 2011

Best of Craigslist: To the people at the gym

This weeks edition of Best of Craigslist is brought to you by the person who is actually looking at you in the gym.  Whenever I hear someone encourage another person to go to a gym they always use the line "Just go, no one will care what you are doing they are working out and focused on themselves" or some variation of that. We all know that is a complete lie. I for one usually focus on myself, but I will admit I watch other people also. I am a people watcher and well the gym is a great place to watch other people.
To the people at the gym from Best of Craigslist
 Hollywood Lifter: As you lift, you fill the gym with your grunts, groans and sounds that defy description. You like the attention. Yes, you have some big muscles. But you also have a pony tail and goatee and that makes you ridiculous. You think it makes you look like a badass. You're half right.

To Shower Honker: What you do in your own shower is your own business. But when you share the shower room with other people, most of us would appreciate you NOT covering the floor with your snot rockets. I simply don't have faith that your nasal cannons can aim well enough to hit the drain with any sort of consistency.

To Bearded Guy with Two Hot Girls: You kick ass and I want to know your story. Who are those girls? Are you their trainer? Are they your girlfriends? Is it your girlfriend and her friend? Her sister? Her roommate? Can I have one? You, sir, are an inspiration.

To Elijah Wood: You look just like him. Now change your nasty shirt, Frodo. But I do like your little tattoo and the band it represents. Seriously, a band tattoo? To each his own, I guess.

To Intense Blonde Girl: You really don't fuck around. You lift crazy weights considering how thin you are. Now I'm just throwing out ideas here, but maybe we could go out for coffee sometime and get married. Just a thought.

To Skinny Old Guy: You're pretty cool. I like you. That's why I'm going to recommend that you try pushing less weight. You're strong for your size, but I'm surprised you're still alive and functioning with the way you overload the machines and struggle mightily with the weights. Slow and steady wins the race. Plus, I don't want to have to pick your torn-off limbs up off the floor for you.

To Braces Guy: I know what you do with the weights before you leave a machine. Who are you trying to impress? Maybe I shouldn't care so much about this, but I hate to see you waste your effort trying to convince the rest of us of how strong you are. God loves all his children equally...Except liars, Braces Guy. Except liars.

To Hardcore Trainer: I don't care if you WERE a Navy Seal; I swear to god, if you yell out "You da man!" to a client one more time, I'm going to fill out a comment card with SO many negative comments regarding your abilities, it'll make your head spin. And if you weren't roughly 76 times my size, I'd cockpunch you. Every time I hear you yell out that catch-phrase from the 90s, I want to walk up to you and say, "No, sir...YOU da man!"

To Walking Pharmacy: I've never seen someone carry that many juices, powders and pills around with them. You're like a walking GNC. Apparently they work because you're built like Stallone (circa 1985), but your face looks just like Matt Stone, glasses and all. I'm really tempted to come up to you and ask you to do the Kyle Broslofski voice, but I'm afraid you'd eat my head for protein.

Anyway, you guys are actually great and you make each and every evening at the gym much more interesting and entertaining. Our quirks make us who we are and I wouldn't change any of you. Except for you, Mr. Shower Honker. That's just gross.  

What do you think? Do you have people like that at your gym? I used to giggle at these two guys who I swear had a bromance going on. They worked out together everyday and yea I am sure they were just workout buddies but from my narration it was a bromance. :)  Who are your worst/favorite gym member's?

Don't forget to Friday Blog Hop and Have an AMAZING weekend!


  1. That sounds exactly like my old gym. The walking pharmacys are the worst.

  2. Now following you! Found you on the Blog Hop! Have a great weekend!!

  3. so funny! I'm glad for the affirmation of my decision to cancel my gym membership! People are ALWAYS watching! :)

  4. love that...made me think of my Y ...and oh, the posts I could write. ha!

  5. That is hysterical!! I haven't been brave enough to go into any rooms other than the pool ... so far.

    There are two guys that are always in the hot tub together and then leave together. But from what I hear they are in fact straight. They intrigue me!

  6. hahahahahaha! I can't stop laughing about the beard guy with two hot girls! LOL

    I worked at gyms all throughout college and this is TOTALLY every gym! HILARIOUS :)